-
Comrade Gorbachev has heard rumors that his
policies are being discussed in Poona, India, so he decides to go
and check it out. When his plane arrives at Poona airport, the
Indian Army is there to welcome him. As Gorbachev steps off the
plane, the military guard of honor fires off the traditional
twenty-one gun salute.
"What were those shots?" asks Swami Deva
Coconut, standing in the crowd.
"Gorbachev has arrived!" says the man next to him.
"Really?" replies Coconut. "You mean they could
not get him with just one shot?"
-
After a wild Saturday night of partying, Swami
Deva Coconut is hauled off to a Sunday morning Mass by his Catholic
girlfriend, Beverly. Since he is totally ignorant of the various
rituals involved, Beverly is constantly coaching him.
"Bless yourself," she whispers. "Now kneel down
-- sit down -- stand up -- sit down again -- cross yourself ..." --
and so on.
Perspiring from all this activity, Coconut
takes out a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe his face. Then he
lays it on his lap to dry.
Seeing this, Beverly leans over and whispers,
"Is your zipper open?"
"No," replies Coconut hastily, "should it be?"
-
Swami Deva Coconut arrives in Bombay airport
with his pet parrot on his shoulder. He is intercepted by an Indian
customs official who says, "Hey, stop! You have got to pay import
duty on that parrot!"
"How much?" asks Coconut.
"Let me see," says the official, paging through his imports book.
"Here we are," he continues. "Five hundred rupees for an alive
parrot, one hundred rupees for a stuffed one."
"Hey, Coconut" screams the parrot. "Don't get
any crazy ideas!"
-
It is monsoon in Poona, and Swami Deva Coconut
meets Swami Veet Herschel on M.G. Road.
"Hi, Coconut!" says Herschel. "I have been meaning to ask you, can I
have back the umbrella that you borrowed from me?"
"Oh, sorry," says Coconut. "I lent it to a friend of mine. Did you
want it?"
"Not for myself," replies Herschel. "But the swami I borrowed it
from says the owner wants it back!"
-
Bernie Bush, the ace political reporter for the
American Righteous News, is having a day off with his family at the
zoo. They are walking by the lions' cage, when Bernie notices a
young boy reaching his hands through the bars to pet one of the
lions. Another huge lion suddenly leaps forward with a tremendous
roar, but at the last second, the boy is swept to safety by a man in
the crowd.
Spotting a sensational story, Bernie approaches
the man and says, "Excuse me, sir, but that was an incredible
display of instant courage. I want to write a story about you for my
newspaper. Tell me, where do you get such courage?"
"Simple," Swami Deva Coconut said, "I'm a
disciple of Osho Rajneesh."
"What?" shouts the right-wing reporter, turning and walking away,
"This will make a real story for sure!"
The following day, the headline of the American
Righteous News reads: "Rajneesh Disciple Snatches Lunch From Hungry
African Immigrant!"
-
Old Priest Pooper dies, and leaves only unpaid
bills behind. After the doctors, the hospital, and all the others
are settled, there is no money left to bury the old guy. So Grandma
Nutcan decides she will go around the town and ask those who knew
the priest to help provide a decent burial. She finds it is not an
easy task, but after many long hours of devoted work, her collection
is only one dollar short for the funeral.
She looks around, but it seems she has asked
everyone. Suddenly she spies a stranger sitting at the bus stop.
Amazingly, it turns out to be Swami Deva Coconut. Grandma approaches
him and says in a tired and worried voice, "Would you give me a
dollar to bury a priest?"
Coconut jumps up, pulls out his wallet, and
hands her some money. "Lady," he says, "here are five dollars. Go
out and bury five of them!"
-
Swami Deva Coconut is on the way to M.G. Road
on his motorbike, when he is hit by a runaway bullock cart. As luck
would have it, he lands up in heaven. After a few days rest, he asks
for some work. Finally, he is given a job in the Religious
Statistics Department.
Here they have a clock for every religious
leader on earth, and any sins committed by them are recorded by a
tiny movement forward. The pope's clock has moved only two minutes
in sixty-eight years, Mother Teresa's clock only one minute, and so
on.
Swami Coconut enquires of the angel in charge,
"What about Osho's clock?"
"Oh," cries the angel. "We use his clock as a desk fan!" --
twenty-four hours!"
-
Ma Papaya Pineapple is standing naked on the
floor, talking endlessly. Swami Deva Coconut is lying naked at her
feet.
"My life is empty!" cries Papaya Pineapple. "It
is a mockery... I am nothing, just a facade, a shell -- a dead and
useless thing! I am twenty-six years old, and I have never had a
meaningful relationship, never had a truly meaningful relationship.
I should not admit that, I suppose. It is very humiliating! I have
passed from one shallow sexual episode to another. That is the story
of my entire life, one shallow clutching incident after another. My
relationships have no deep, lasting significance. If I could just
once lie down and have something meaningful happen!"
Coconut replies, from the floor, "Have you ever
tried talking less, and lying down sooner?"
-
It is January, 1989, and Osho has been elected
President of the United States.
Swami Deva Coconut has just moved back to the
States and he goes into his favorite bar, The Hilarious Horse Pub,
and says to the bartender, "Give me a glass of beer. And put on the
six o'clock news -- I want to see President Reagan's latest speech
to the nation."
"I am sorry," says the bartender, "but Reagan
is no more in office; Osho is president."
The next evening Coconut goes into the same bar
and says, "Give me a beer, and put on the six o'clock news. I want
to see Reagan's latest speech to the nation."
"But I told you yesterday," says the bartender,
"Osho is president now."
But the same thing happens every day that week.
Finally, on Saturday, the bartender loses his temper. So when
Coconut asks to see Reagan on TV, the poor guy freaks out. "Look
here, you dodo!" he shouts. "Every night you ask to see Reagan on
TV, and every night I tell you that Osho is president. Don't you
understand?"
"Of course I do," says Coconut. "But I just
like to hear you say it!"
-
A Russian, a Cuban, a Catholic priest and Swami
Deva Coconut are on a train traveling across Europe. The Russian
takes out a large bottle of vodka. He pours each of his companions a
drink, and then throws the half-full bottle out of the window. "Why
did you do that?" asks Swami Coconut.
"There is so much vodka in my country," replies
the Russian. "We have more than we can ever use."
A little later, the Cuban passes around a box of Cuban cigars.
Everyone takes one, then he throws the rest of the box out of the
window.
"My god!" says Coconut. "Why did you do that?"
"Cigars," replies the Cuban, "are a dime a dozen in my country. We
have more of them than we know what to do with!"
Coconut sits in silence for a moment. Then he
gets up, grabs the Catholic priest and throws him out of the window.
-
Swami Deva Coconut is standing in his bamboo
house watching the waters rise around his ankles. It has been
raining constantly for four days and the sky is still grey and wet.
As the water reaches his knees, Coconut climbs
onto his suitcase, and when the water reaches to his knees again, he
goes outside and climbs onto the roof of his bamboo house. Just
then, Ma Mango Milkshake comes past on a small raft.
"Come on, Coconut!" she calls out, "come for a
ride!"
"No thanks," he replies. "I am just going to wait here, and watch."
Slowly, the water climbs up the side of the
bamboo house, and starts to wash against Coconut's ankles again.
Swami Cleverhead, the group leader, rows up in a small rowboat. The
boat is leaking water fast, but Cleverhead seems to be managing.
"Come on, Coconut!" calls Cleverhead. "Let us
go out of here!"
"No thanks," replies Coconut. "I'm just waiting here and watching."
A half an hour later, Coconut has water around
his neck, on top of his bamboo house. Just then, Captain Cliffski
and Captain Kurtski, the famous Polack pilots, fly over in a
borrowed helicopter. Captain Cliffski sees Coconut, and leans out of
the window.
"Come on now, Coconut!" he shouts, "or you are
going to be drowned!"
Coconut waves back, "I am just waiting here and watching!" he
shouts.
Later, somewhere in the realms of the universe,
Swami Deva Coconut meets Osho Rajneesh, and he seems really pissed
off about something.
"I waited and I waited, I watched, I
witnessed," exclaims Coconut, "and you never came to rescue me!"
"My God!" says Osho Rajneesh, "I sent you two
boats and a helicopter!"
