-
A man pinned under his wrecked car is being
questioned by a policeman.
"Are you married?" asks the cop.
"No," replies the man, "this is the worst fix I
have ever been in."
-
After three weeks of married life, Fagan
Finkelstein makes the mistake of taking his young wife Rosa to one
of the favorite discos from his bachelor days.
Rosa gets angry, as first the coat-check girl,
then the barmaid, then the waitress -- all of them pretty -- welcome
Fagan with great affection. But she gets really mad when a gorgeous
blonde walks up to the table, sits for a moment in Fagan's lap and
kisses him on the cheek and says, "I will see you another night,
darling, when you are not so busy."
Rosa gets up from the table and heads for the
door, closely followed by a protesting Fagan. They climb into a taxi
with Fagan desperately trying to explain that the past is all behind
him, and he loves only her.
"Please, listen to me," pleads Fagan.
"No," shouts Rosa, "I will not."
The taxi driver looks round and says, "She is
no good, Mr. Fink. Shall we go back and get another?"
-
Hymie Goldberg and Moishe Finkelstein are
changing their clothes in the locker room after a game of golf. Moishe starts putting on a pair of women's
knickers; Hymie is astonished.
"When did you start wearing women's underwear?"
he asks.
"Well," says Moishe shaking his head, "ever
since Ruthie, my wife, found a pair on the front seat of my car."
-
A frustrated man was staring hopelessly down
the platform at the departing train. "If you hadn't taken so long
getting ready," he accused his wife, "we would have caught it."
"Yes," she replied, "and if you hadn't hurried
me we wouldn't have so long to wait for the next one!"
-
Joe was out all night with a dazzling blonde.
He came home at dawn and tried to appear quietly sober, as his wife
eyed him with suspicion.
"Joe, where is your underwear?" she said as he
was undressing.
"My God," he cried with aggrieved dignity, "I
have been robbed."
-
Among the objects displayed in the Vatican
Library are two Bibles close together: a huge one about two feet
thick, the other a tiny one less than one inch square.
One of the guides tells visitors: "This big
Bible contains everything Eve said to Adam, and this little one
contains everything Adam said to Eve."
-
Two keen football fans up in London for a big
match, decided to spend the evening at a Soho strip-club. The first
act was a very voluptuous blonde who went through her whole routine
while the whole audience stared open-mouthed. As the curtain came
down and the applause rang out, one of the two fans said 'Phooey!'
His companion was surprised, but said nothing.
The second act was even more breathtaking but again, when the
curtain came down, the first man said 'Phooey!'
This went on all through the show -- however
beautiful and exotic the girls were, after each act the first man
said 'Phooey!' Finally the second man could stand it no
longer.
'What's the matter with you?' he said. 'These
are some of the most attractive and sexy girls I've ever seen -- and
all you can say is "Phooey?"'
'I'm not thinking about the girls replied the
friend. I'm thinking about my wife!'
-
The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed
with another man. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who
is this fellow?"
"That seems like a fair question," said the
wife, rolling over. "What is your name?"
-
Paddy's wife Maureen has had it. She goes to
see her attorney, Abraham Babblebrain, and tells him she wants a
divorce.
"Very well, Mrs O'Grady," says Babblebrain,
"what are your grounds?"
"Grounds?" asks Maureen. "What are grounds?"
"You know," says Babblebrain, "your reason. You
have to have a reason for getting a divorce."
"Reason?" says Maureen. "Really? What sort of
reason?"
"Well," says Babblebrain patiently, "for
example, one reason would be if your husband does not give you
enough money."
"Pah," snorts Maureen, "give me money? I give
him money."
"Okay," says Babblebrain, "what about cruelty
then? Does he beat you?"
"Pah," snorts Maureen again, "beat me? I beat
him."
"Ah," says the lawyer, "so what about
infidelity? Is he faithful to you in love?"
"That's it!" cries Maureen. "That's how we get
him. I know for a fact that he is not the father of our third
child."
