Osho Paddy Jokes

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Osho Paddy Jokes

Paddy and Sean go hunting together in the Oregon mountains. After a while, Sean stops to take a piss, and a rattlesnake bites him on the prick. He calls out to Paddy and tells him to go to the nearest village and ask what to do.

Paddy runs off and after half an hour runs breathlessly into the doctor's office and asks for advice.

The doctor says, "Take a sharp knife and make an opening in the wound and suck out the poison."

Paddy rushes back and as he approaches, Sean calls out, "Paddy, hey, Paddy, what did he say?"

"I am sorry," replies Paddy, "but he says you are going to die."
There is a job opening at the local zoo for two men to clean out the gorilla cages. Paddy and Seamus go directly from the pub to apply.

"Before I give you lads the job," says Duckworth Bird, the head keeper, "I want to ask you a few questions."

"Okay," says Paddy, "I am ready!"

"The first question," says Duckworth. "What bird does not build its own nest?"

"That's easy," says Seamus. "It is a canary. He lives in a cage."

"That's not it, you idiot," says Paddy, digging Seamus in the ribs with his elbow. "It's a cuckoo!"

"Very good, Paddy," says Duckworth Bird. "How did you know?"

"Ah!" replies Paddy, "everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock!"
Paddy had died from dysentery. While they prepared the body for burial, it was still excreting. The undertaker thought carefully for a moment, then went away to get a cork.

Two hours later, O'Reilly and Muldoon came to carry the prepared corpse downstairs for the wake. As soft music played, the two friends solemnly carried the body down the stairs. Suddenly there was a loud pop, and a fountain of shit poured over O'Reilly's head. He promptly dropped the body, which slid down the stairs into the crowd of waiting guests.

The undertaker rushed up to O'Reilly saying, "What did you do, you clumsy bastard?"

O'Reilly looked at him coolly and said, "Look man, if he can shit, he can fucking walk!"
Paddy makes a lot of money on his used furniture stall one year, so he shuts up shop and goes to Paris for a holiday.

Two weeks later he is back in Ireland, sitting in the pub and telling Seamus all about his adventures.

"Oh! It was great!" says Paddy. "Paris is out of this world!"

"Really?" says Seamus. "But how did you get on, without knowing a word of French?"

"It was simple," says Paddy. "For example, I met a girl in the park. So I took out a pencil and a piece of paper and drew a picture of a taxi. She knew what I meant, so we went for a drive. Then I drew a picture of a knife and fork and she knew that I wanted to take her out to dinner."

"That sounds great," says Seamus.

"I'm not finished yet," says Paddy. "Then I drew two people dancing and we went to a night-club. At the end of the evening, she took the pencil from me and drew a big double bed."

"Amazing!" cries Seamus. "She even knew that you were in the furniture business!"
Paddy and Maureen live in an old house, very close to the railway station, and every time a train goes by, the door of their bedroom wardrobe opens by itself. Maureen gets so fed up with this that one day she calls a carpenter to come and fix it. But he can't locate the problem and he decides that the only thing to do is to get inside it, close the door and watch what happens.

Just then Paddy comes home. He sees a pair of men's shoes in the bedroom and starts looking around for the owner, but before Maureen can explain a train goes by, the wardrobe opens by itself, and the carpenter is revealed inside.

Paddy is furious. "And what the hell are you doing here?" he cries.
"You won't believe this," says the man, "but I'm waiting for a train!"
The doctor was explaining to Paddy how nature makes up for a person's deficiencies.

"For example," he told Paddy, "if a man is deaf, he may have very good eyesight, and if a man is blind, he may have a very good sense of smell."

"I think I see what you mean," said Paddy. "I have often noticed that if a man has one short leg, then the other one is always a little bit longer."
Paddy was convinced he was a cannibal. His wife finally persuaded him to visit a psychiatrist. When Paddy returned home after his first visit, his wife asked, "So tell me, what is a fancy psychiatrist like?"

"Delicious," beamed Paddy.
There is an accident on the construction site. Seamus runs over to where Paddy is lying in a heap of rubble.

"Are you dead, Paddy, after such a terrible fall?" asks Seamus.

"Yes, certainly I am," replies Paddy.

"Ah, bejabers!" says Seamus, "you are such a terrible liar, I don't know whether to believe you or not."

"That proves I am dead, you idiot," says Paddy. "If I was alive, you would not be calling me a liar to my face."
Paddy decides to try life in the army and gets sent to a training camp. One night, he comes back from an exercise covered in cow shit.

"Why are you late back in camp?" snaps the sergeant major.

"Sorry, sir," says Paddy, "but as we crossed that field full of cows my hat blew off, and I had to try on thirty before I found it again."
Paddy and Sean are deep in the mountains on a hunting trip, when they stop to rest. Paddy gazes at Sean and says, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"

"Don't worry," replies Sean. "Last year I shot a sixteen-hundred-pound elk, way back in the hills, and got it out all right."

"How did you manage that?" asks Paddy.
"Simple," says Sean, "it took me twelve trips."
Paddy and Seamus are sitting in the pub, having a drink together.
"A burglar got into my house at three o'clock this morning," says Paddy, "while I was on my way home from the pub."
"Did he get anything?" asks Seamus.
"He certainly did," says Paddy. "The poor guy is in the hospital. My wife, Maureen, thought it was me!"