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Father John, a Catholic priest, was astonished one day to see his friend, Father Michael, driving a Mercedes-Benz. He asked him how he could afford such a great car when all he could afford was a bicycle.

So Father Michael told him that one day during the prayer before the collection he was swinging his rosary when he realized that the whole congregation was hypnotized. So he told everyone to empty their wallets and when he counted the money he had enough to buy a car.

Father John said, "That's great. I'm going to try it."

But a few weeks later when they met again, Father John was still riding his bicycle.

"What happened?" asked his friend.

"Well," said Father John, "everything went just as you said and the congregation was completely in my power. But just then I dropped the rosary and said, `Oh shit,' and I'm still cleaning the church!"
Paddy was known for his foul language by everyone in his congregation. The parson took him aside on Sunday and said, "Every time you swear you must give five dollars to the nearest stranger. That will cure you soon enough."

As Paddy left the preacher, he stubbed his toe and then silently handed the five dollars to a woman just entering the church.

"Okay," whispered the woman, "But can you wait until after the service?"
Paddy drove through the red light and smashed into a car driven by Father O'Hagan. The car turned over three times and the priest was thrown from the vehicle into the gutter. Paddy rushed over and said, "I am terribly sorry, Father".

"Saints above!" said the shaken priest, "You almost killed me."

"Here," said Paddy, "I have got a small bottle of whisky. Take some and you will feel a lot better."

Father O'Hagan took a couple of large gulps and then continued his tirade: "What were you doing? You nearly launched me into eternity."

"I am sorry, Father," said Paddy. "Take a few more sips and it will ease your nerves."

The priest took another large gulp and almost finished the bottle, which he offered to Paddy saying, "Why don't you have a drink?"

"No thanks, Father," said Paddy, "I will just sit here and wait for the police to arrive!"
Paddy goes into a pub one day and sees a very well-dressed man sitting in the corner. But what he notices most are his beautiful shoes. So he goes over and asks about them and the man tells him they are crocodile shoes.

But Paddy has never heard of a crocodile, so he goes over to his friends and asks them. They tell him that it is a very dangerous animal that lives in the swamps of the Amazon jungle.

Paddy is determined to have a pair of these shoes, so he sells his house, his car and his wife, and sets off for South America. Once he is there he eventually finds a man with a boat, who is willing to take him up the Amazon.

After many weeks they reach the heart of the jungle and Paddy sees a crocodile, swimming around in the swamp. So he immediately dives in and has a terrific fight with the beast. They are thrashing about in the water for over an hour until, tired and bleeding, Paddy manages to haul the dead crocodile into the boat.
With his last strength, Paddy turns the crocodile over onto its back, takes one look at it and shrieks: "My God! It has got no shoes on!"
Paddy complained to his friend Sean, that he had seen his wife going into a movie with a strange man.

"Did you follow them inside?" asked Sean.

"No way," replied Paddy, "I had already seen the movie."
Jack Jerk stays out late one night and comes home at three o'clock in the morning. He walks into the bedroom and finds his wife Jill Jerk lying awake, naked, in the bed.

"Where the hell have you been until three in the morning?" screams Jill, furiously.

Ignoring her, Jack takes off his coat and opens the bedroom closet. To his amazement, he finds a naked man crouching on the floor.

"Who the hell is this guy?" shouts Jack.
Jill sits up in bed and cries, "Don't change the subject!"
Wu, the old Chinese waiter at the Mye Long Dong Chinese Restaurant, is always being teased by Colonel Wimple and his cronies, whenever they come to eat. Finally, one day, as Wu is serving the dessert and coffee, Colonel Wimple leans back in his chair, puffs on his big cigar, and announces in a loud voice, "Okay, Chink! We have been teasing you for a long time now. So I guess from now on we will stop playing jokes on you. What do you say?"

The wizened old waiter pauses for a moment, then says with a smile, "Okie Dokie! You no jokie, me no pee in the coffee!"
Sally and Joan are chit-chatting over tea. Joan says, "When I married George, I was looking for sex and good humor, and I have found them both with him."

"Oh, really?" Sally asks.
"Yes," says Joan, "every time we have sex, it is a joke!"
The black dude in a full-length mink coat walks into the Rolls-Royce show room. He goes over to the most expensive model and proceeds to kick the tires and fenders.

The usually staid salesman runs over and exclaims, "Excuse me, sir, but were you thinking of buying a Rolls-Royce?"

The black dude looks at him with a scowl and replies: "I is not thinking of buying a Rolls-Royce. I is gonna buy a Rolls-Royce. I is thinkin' of pussy!"

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