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Paddy NcNaughty went to confession: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."
"And what is it that you have done, my son?"

"I made love to one of the girls in the village."
"My God!" said the priest, "and which of the village girls did you commit sin with?"

"Ah, Father, that I cannot tell."
"And if you will not tell me, then I shall not give you absolution."

"Ah dear!" said Paddy.
"Was it Molly O'Flaherty?" asked the priest.

"No, it was not Molly O'Flaherty."
"Then was it Flora Fitzgibbons?"

"Ah no," said Paddy, "it was not Flora Fitzgibbons."
"Was it Maggie Muldoon, then?" persisted the priest.

"Ah, sure no, it was not Maggie Muldoon."
"Then who in heaven's name was it?"

"Ah, sure, Father -- that I cannot tell."
"And if you don't tell me I shall not give ya absolution."

"Ah, Father, that's too bad!" said Paddy and walked out of the confessional.
His friend, Michael, was waiting outside. "Well, Paddy, did ya get yar sins forgiven?"

"No," said Paddy, "but I got the names of a few good broads!"
Hymie Goldberg walks into an appliance store and asks the price of a remote-controlled T.V.

"One dollar," replies the clerk.
"You've got to be kidding," says Hymie.

"Listen," says the clerk, "do you want it or not?" Of course, Hymie gives him a dollar.

On his way out of the store, he sees a big refrigerator. "How much for that?" asks Hymie.
"Fifty cents," replies the clerk.

Hymie pulls out fifty cents and gives it to the clerk. "What the hell is going on here?" he asks.
"Nothing is going on here," replies the clerk. "But my boss is at my house with my wife and what he is doing to her, I am doing to his business."
Paddy nearly has an accident at work, and he is so shocked that he decides to become a reformed Christian. He tells Maureen that he is going to give up sex for a month.

With only a few days to go before the end of the month, Paddy and Maureen are shopping together in the local supermarket. Maureen leans over a tray of apples and Paddy gets a good look at her chest and nearly goes mad. A few minutes later, Paddy sees her thigh when her dress gets tangled in another customer's shopping cart. In the confusion, he loses all control of himself, forgetting his vow of celibacy completely.

A few days later, Paddy goes to confession and tells Father Murphy that he has broken his vow. The priest tries to console him, saying that after all the days and nights of his great effort, God and the church would forgive him.

"I'm not worried about God and the church," replies Paddy, "but Maureen and I feel terrible because they won't let us back in the supermarket!"
Hymie Goldberg is touring Ireland in his car when he finds Paddy hitch-hiking, holding a cow.

"I can give you a lift," says Hymie, "but I can't take your cow."
"Oh, that's okay," says Paddy, "she will follow us at her own speed. "

So Paddy gets in and Hymie is soon driving at thirty miles per hour. The cow is trotting along behind. Hymie speeds up to forty miles per hour and the cow is still keeping pace. At fifty miles per hour Hymie sees that the cow is right behind, but he notices that she seems to be getting tired.

"I'm a bit worried about your cow," says Hymie, "her tongue is hanging out of her mouth."
"Which side of the mouth?" asks Paddy.

"On the right side," replies Hymie.
"Oh, that's all right then," says Paddy. "That just means she wants to pass you!"
Paddy wakes up in hospital, covered in bandages, and notices Seamus sitting at his bedside.

"What happened to me?" asks Paddy.
"Well," replies Seamus, "you had a few too many drinks last night, and then you made a bet that you could jump out of the window and fly around the pub."

"Why didn't you stop me?" Paddy screams.
"Stop you?" replies Seamus. "Hell, I bet twenty-five dollars on you."
Late one afternoon at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, Saint Peter is inspecting twenty married women who have just arrived for judgment.

"Now, girls," says Saint Peter. "If any of you was ever unfaithful to your husband on earth, please take one step forward! And remember, no lying, and no cheating! I have ways of checking up on you!"

Immediately, nineteen of the wives move forward, but one woman remains standing alone. Saint Peter nods quietly to himself and walks over to the telephone. He dials up Hell.
"Hello! Satan!" exclaims Saint Peter. "I am sending down twenty unfaithful wives to you -- but be careful. One of them is completely deaf!"
It is Sunday afternoon at the Holy Orthodox Church of the Blessed Bleeding Virgin on the Greek island of Crete. Bishop Cretin is preaching a sermon to the remaining four old ladies in his flock.

"And I am telling you," thunders Cretin, "that the morals of today are being horribly corrupted. Just yesterday I went to see a movie called BAMBI GOES BERSERK, which is filled with disgusting scenes of murder, rape, fornication, cannibalism, homosexuality and other perversions of the worst kind! If anything shows the need for censorship, then this movie is it! Now, ladies, are there any questions?"

"Yes," cry all the old hags, in unison. "Where is it playing?"
Three women -- Betty Boobs, Lucy Legs, and Nellie Knickers -- meet at an old high-school reunion. They soon start gossiping about the men they have married, and what they are like in bed.

"My husband, Bob," says Betty Boobs, "is like a 1989 Rolls Royce -- comfortable, sizeable, powerful, and very satisfying!"

"My husband, Larry," says Lucy Legs, "is like a 1970 Cadillac -- still fairly comfortable and satisfying, but lacks performance sometimes. Generally, quite a good ride."

"Hmm, my husband, Norbert," says Nellie Knickers, "is like a vintage Model-T Ford.

"Really?" say the other two, staring at Nellie in amazement. "Why do you say that?"

"Well," continues Nellie, "what I mean is -- he manages to rally twice a year, but he has to be started by hand!"
Amongst the early Christians, it was rumored that the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, was blessed with enormous sexual machinery, which used to terrorize all his followers, men and women alike. As the story goes: On that fateful day on Calvary Hill, Jesus had been hanging on his cross for a couple of hours, staring up at the sky, waiting for Godot.

He looks down and sees his favorite girl, Mary Magdalena, weeping in the crowd, and feels a stirring of the spirit in his loincloth.
"Mary! Mary!" Jesus calls out. "Come closer!"

Hesitantly, Mary walks out of the crowd towards the cross. She comes closer, but stops in her tracks when she sees the huge growing lump in Christ's knickers.
"Mary! Mary!" moans Jesus. "Closer, come closer!"

Mary shuffles forward nervously eyeing the ever-growing mountain in his underpants -- then she stops, again.
"Mary! Mary!" gasps Jesus. "I have something from the Holy Ghost to impart to you -- come closer!"

"Ah! Christ, No!" cries Mary, her eyes popping out. "Don't give me anymore of that Holy Ghost shit! I can see your resurrection from here!"

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