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Paddy and Kowalski are in town for a drinking spree. After a lot of drinking, they decide to go to the hundred-story-high, revolving, Roasting Rhinoceros Restaurant for some dinner. They choose a table overlooking the city lights, but have only been sitting there for a few minutes when both of them feel the need to pee.

"Can you tell us where the bathroom is?" Paddy slobbers at the head waiter.
"Certainly, sir," replies the waiter, pointing across the restaurant. "Just go down the passage over there, turn left and go two steps down."

The directions are repeated again for Kowalski, who is not quite sure he knows where he is, or what he is looking for.
"Just remember," says the head waiter, "turn left and two steps down..."

So, Paddy and Kowalski set off across the room and down the passage. They take the first door on the left and step inside, into the open elevator shaft. One hundred stories below, Paddy slowly picks himself up off the ground.

"How do you feel?" Paddy asks his Polack friend, lying beside him.
"Not too bad," replies Kowalski. "But I don't think I can manage that second step."
On their fiftieth wedding anniversary, mean old Hamish MacTavish decides to treat his wife, Maggie, by taking her out to lunch at the Bawling Bagpipe Restaurant. They order their food, and when it arrives Hamish starts eating -- but Maggie just sits there watching.

The waiter becomes anxious, and goes over to the old couple. "Is there something wrong with your food, Mrs. MacTavish?" he asks.

"No, no young man," replies Maggie. "I'm just waiting for my husband to finish. He's using the teeth first!"
Donald Dickstein is about to be married and he is bragging about all the virtues of his beautiful bride-to-be.

One of his closest friends, Albert Arse, exclaims, "You can't be serious! That girl has screwed every guy in San Francisco!"

Donald looks at Albert for a minute. Then he says, "Ah, San Francisco isn't such a big town!"
Father Finger, the novice priest, goes to see Sally Sellzit, the prostitute, and says, "I know nothing about sex. Will you teach me?"
"Okay," says Sally. "But it will cost you fifty dollars."

Father finger agrees and pays the money in advance. Then Sally undresses slowly, and next she undresses the priest and tells him to lie down.
"I'm going to start your lesson with the sixty-nine position," she says. But when she climbs on top of him, she accidentally farts in his face.

"Sorry," she says, and climbs back on. But she farts in his face again.
"Holy Jesus," shouts the priest, as he jumps up off the bed.

"What's the matter?" asks Sally.
"Well," replies Finger. "I want to know about sex, but I don't think I can take another sixty-seven of those!"
Alfonso, the Italian, is dragging a large, heavy box down the middle of the street when he suddenly stops in front of a house. He knocks on the door and a woman comes to open it.
"Are you Widow Jones?" asks Alfonso.

"My name is not Widow Jones," replies the woman. "It is Mrs. Jones."
"Well," says Alfonso, sadly, "just wait till you see what I've got in this box!"
Popova the Russian mouse gets a visa to visit the West. Her friend, Barbarov the elephant, hears the news and wants to go along too. After a little hesitation, Popova agrees to take her friend with her.

The little mouse bakes a beautiful loaf of French bread, slices it in half down the middle, and puts one half along either side of big Barbarov.

At the Moscow airport, the police officials check Popova's papers and her baggage, and then wave her through. Barbarov, the elephant, is stopped.

"Where are your papers?" asks a policeman.
Popova the mouse turns around, really pissed off. "What's the matter with you guys?" she squeaks loudly. "Can't I even take a sandwich with me?"
Kowalski is returning home from a morning's hunting, with his shotgun in one hand and his hunting bag slung over his shoulder.

His friend, Slobovski, sees him across the road and calls out, "Hi, Kowalski! Been hunting?"
"That's right," replies Kowalski. "Been hunting ducks."

"Far out!" says Slobovski. "How many did you get?"
"Well," replies Kowalski, "if you can guess how many ducks

I've got in my bag -- I'll give you them both!"
"Ah!" says Slobovski, scratching his head. "Three?"
Herman Humpski is getting married to Hilda, his childhood sweetheart, but he is very worried because he is not sure about what to do on the wedding night. He confides in his experienced friend, Kowalski, who thinks for a moment, and then comes up with an idea.

"Listen," says Kowalski, "no need to worry. I will take the hotel room next to your honeymoon suite, and when it is time to go to bed, just sneak into the bathroom and I will give you instructions through the wall."
"Great idea!" says Herman, very relieved, and the two of them go to book the hotel rooms.

The wedding goes fine, and at the reception the cake is served by Hilda, the bride, who manages to eat an enormous quantity of it herself. Later, at the honeymoon hotel, the young couple are getting ready for bed, when Herman sneaks into the bathroom, locks the door and knocks on the wall. Kowalski and Herman have difficulty in hearing each other through the wall, so the instructions take a long time.

Meanwhile, back in the bedroom, Hilda is dying to relieve herself of the mountain of wedding cake she has eaten. She pounds on the bathroom door but Herman will not let her in. Finally, in desperation, she shits in a shoe box and leaves her deposit outside the bathroom door.

Sure enough, when Herman has received all Kowalski's instructions, he flings open the bathroom door and steps right into the shoe box.

"Ah!" cries Herman, "this box is full of shit!"
From the other side of the bathroom wall, Kowalski shouts, "You idiot! Turn her over!"
Nancy Reagan is having a confidential chat with her best friend, Hester Mindbender, next to the White House swimming pool.
"Life is terrible," sobs Nancy into her Pineapple Kool-Aid. "Ever since Ronald became four hundred per cent impotent, there is no happiness in my life!"

"Now wait a minute," says Hester. "One hundred percent impotent is bad enough -- but four hundred per cent impotent? He must be really rotten!"

"You don't understand," whines Nancy. "He's been one hundred per cent impotent ever since John Wayne's horse kicked him in the balls, in the cowboy movie, The Big Muddy. But last week," continues Nancy, "he fell out of his wheelchair, and broke both his hands and bit his tongue!"

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