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Paddy and Seamus are walking home from the pub through the park one day, in deep, philosophical discussion. For over an hour, they have been talking abut whether God-Almighty rules over their lives or not, when Paddy gets fed up and says, "Ah, God can't tell me what to do -- I am going to the beach for a holiday!"

"You mean," replies Seamus, "that you are going to the beach -- God willing?"
"No!" snaps Paddy, stubbornly. "I am going to the beach, God willing or not!" But just at that moment, there is a loud crash of thunder in the sky. Seamus covers his head in fear, and falls to the ground.

When he opens his eyes again, he looks around, and finds that Paddy has been changed into a slimy, green frog. For seven weeks, Paddy, the frog, is forced to live in the park pond, and every day Seamus brings a handful of dead flies for him to eat.

Finally, after his penance is completed, Paddy is changed back into his old self. He immediately walks home and begins packing his bags.
"Hey, Paddy!" cries Seamus, with surprise. "My God, you are back! But where are you going now?"

"Like I said," shouts Paddy, "I am going to the beach!"
"You mean," replies Seamus, "that you are going to the beach -- God willing?"

"No!" shouts Paddy, furiously. "I am going to the beach or I am going back to that goddam frog pond!"
A big black guy goes into the grocery store and asks for half a cabbage. The assistant says, "I am sorry, sir, but we don't sell half cabbages."

The black guy insists that he wants half a cabbage, so the assistant says, "Just a minute, sir, I will ask the manager in the back room." He goes into the back room, but does not notice that the black guy is following him. The assistant says to the manager, "There is a big nigger in the shop and he wants half a cabbage."

Then he hears a noise behind him and, realizing that he has been followed, adds quickly, "And this colored gentleman wants the other half!"
Paddy has been getting very fat from drinking so much beer. One day his wife, Maureen, complains about it. "Why don't you go to the new health clinic?" she asks. "I hear you can lose as much weight as you want there."

So Paddy goes to the clinic and pays ten dollars for a ten-pound weight reduction course.

He is shown into a small room and there is a pretty redhead. "If you can catch me," she tells Paddy, "you can screw me."

Half an hour later Paddy comes out ten pounds lighter and with a happy grin on his face.

Maureen is so pleased with her new, more streamlined husband, that she sends Paddy back the next day for the fifty dollar, fifty-pound weight reduction course. When he has paid the money, Paddy is shown into a room and the door slams shut and locks behind him.

Paddy looks round expectantly then he notices a huge gorilla standing in the corner. Paddy feels a bit confused, but then as the gorilla starts to walk towards him, he notices a sign around the creature's neck, it reads:

"If I catch you, I will screw you!"
Father Fumble is thumbing through the church records one day, when he notices that one of his flock, Hamish McTavish, does not seem to have given any money to the church charities. The young priest decides to pay a call on Hamish, who is rumored to be very rich, and see if he can squeeze any money out of him.

"The records show," says Father Fumble, "that you have never donated any money to our charities."

"That's right," says Hamish. "And do your records also show that I have a crippled uncle who is completely unable to take care of himself? Furthermore," continues Hamish, "do they show that my sister was left a widow with ten children to take care of and no insurance or other means of support?"

"Well, no," says Father Fumble, a little embarrassed. "Our records do not show that."

"So," replies Hamish, "why should I give anything to you, when I don't give anything to them?"
Muffin Snuffler, the White House cleaner, is polishing the floor in the Oval Office one day, when he looks up at George Washington's portrait and sees the lips moving.

Shocked and a little frightened, Muffin edges closer to the portrait and listens to America's hero speak.

"Bring me a horse!" commands Washington. "I am going to put this country in order!"

Muffin races out of the office and bumps straight into President George Bush. "Mister President, sir," he screams, "George Washington's portrait just spoke to me!"
"Don't be an idiot!" snaps Bush. "Pictures don't talk!" And he walks into the Oval Office and over to the painting. But before he reaches it, George Washington speaks again, "Hey, Muffin!" shouts Washington, "I told you to bring me a horse -- not a donkey!"
"Our great athlete, Ivan Ivanovitch," says the Russian radio announcer, "has just smashed all existing records for the two-hundred-yard dash, the high jump, the long jump, the mile run, the five-mile run, and the marathon. He overcame a blizzard, a range of mountains and complete lack of water. Unfortunately, our great athlete's performance was in vain. He was captured and brought back to Russia!"
A politician was bitten by a dog, and a few days later his doctor told him that the lab tests were positive, that the dog had rabies, and that he too was infected.

The politician pulled out a notebook and began writing furiously.

"Now, take it easy," said the doctor. "No need to start writing your will. You will pull through."

"Will, hell!" snapped the politician. "This is a list of the people I am going to bite."
Joe was out all night with a dazzling blonde. He came home at dawn and tried to appear quietly sober, as his wife eyed him with suspicion.

"Joe, where is your underwear?" she said as he was undressing.

"My God," he cried with aggrieved dignity, "I have been robbed."
When Gautama the Buddha Auditorium becomes too small to contain all the seekers coming to Poona, our Beloved Master goes on a tour of the universe looking for a new site. At one stop, he arrives at the Pearly Gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. The Christian saint takes one look at the man before him, and nearly faints.

"My God! You? Up here? And you want a two-week tourist visa?" cries Peter. "I must have a talk with God first." And Saint Peter scuttles away to find God Almighty.

God is not very pleased at Saint Peter's news, and after a lot of deep thought, he tells Saint Peter, "Okay ... He can stay for a short while, but only on one condition: no discourses!"

A couple of weeks later, God runs into Saint Peter again.
"How is everything going with `You-know-who'?" asks God. "Is everything all right?"
"Just great, Swami-ji!" replies Saint Peter. "Everything is YAA-HOO!"

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