-
"How much for a roast beef sandwich?" asks
Little Feenie Finkelstein, standing in Chicken Chopper's Sandwich
Shop.
"Two dollars," replies Chicken Chopper, from
behind the counter.
"How much for a cheese sandwich?" asks the
little Jew.
"One dollar," replies Chicken.
"What about a ham sandwich?" asks Feenie. But
before Chicken Chopper can reply there is a loud clap of thunder in
the sky overhead.
Feenie Finkelstein falls to his knees, looks up
at the sky and prays out loud, "Okay! Okay! -- I was only asking!"
-
Pope the Polack is very sick. Doctors come from
all over the world to try and diagnose his illness, and finally a
little Jewish psychiatrist finds the cause of the problem.
He tells the pope, "Your holiness, because you
have had nothing to do with women all your life, your hormones are
unbalanced and there is only one possible cure. You must make love
with a woman."
"No, no!" cries Pope the Polack, "I can't. All
the vows I have taken... I just can't!"
"But, your holiness," replies the shrink, "you
must or you will die, and this too is a mortal sin."
The pope retires for a few days to consider his
fate, and then calls the psychiatrist again.
"Okay," says Pope the Polack, "I have reached
my decision. I will do as you ask. But please, be sure that the girl
has nice, big tits."
-
Hymie Goldberg walks into where the last supper
is being held. He sits down at the table and says to the waiter,
"Give me a scotch and soda."
"I'm sorry sir," replies the waiter, "all we
are serving here is wine."
"Okay, some wine then," says Hymie, "and give
me a mushroom pizza and a large salad."
"Sorry sir," says the waiter, "but all we are
serving is bread."
"My God! Only bread and wine?" yells Hymie.
"The guy who's giving this party should be crucified!"
-
A Polack is badly injured in a car crash and he
has to have a brain transplant. A team of surgeons put him to sleep,
remove his brain, and go into the next room to get a new one. But
when they return to the operating room, the Polack is gone.
The police search everywhere for him but
without success -- he has vanished. The doctors contact the
international police and they check throughout the world for a
brainless Pole.
Finally, five years later, they find him. He is
wearing silly robes and a big hat and is living in the Vatican!
-
"Boys," said Father O'Flanagan to his bible
class, "you should never lose your tempers. You should never swear,
or get excited or angry. I never do. Now to illustrate -- you see
that big fly on my nose? A good many wicked men would get angry at
that fly, but I don't. I never lose my temper. I simply say, `Go
away, fly, go away.' And then suddenly he jumped and said,"JESUS
CHRIST! It's a bee, the son of a bitch!"
-
Luigi is guide at the Vatican. One day he is
conducting a party of tourists around the papal palace, the home of
Pope the Polack.
"If you look-a to your-a left," says Luigi,
"you see-a a large-a window. That's-a the pope-a's study."
"Gee," says one of the tourists, "I do wish we
could catch a glimpse of His Holiness the pope himself."
"Right," says Luigi. Stooping down he picks up
a large stone and hurls it through the window.
A face immediately appears behind the broken
glass, red with rage and shouting incoherent Polish.
"There you are!" exclaims Luigi, "that-a always
gets the old-a goat."
-
A Bible-bashing Baptist is preaching to a Texas
businessman, who doubts the miracle of divine punishment.
"Let me tell you," says the preacher, "about a
remarkable occurrence. On the TV news last night there was a story
about a politician who was struck by lightning while he was telling
a lie. A miraculous incident, was it not?"
"Well, I don't know," drawls the Texan. "It
would be more of a miracle if lightning struck a politician when he
wasn't lying."
-
Little Ernie is pulling his new cart past the
local priest, when one of the wheels falls off.
"Shit!" says Ernie.
"Young man," scolds the priest severely, "don't
you ever say that again. If something goes wrong, you say, `Help me,
Lord,' instead. Do you understand?"
"Okay, Father," says Ernie. But the very next
day, a second wheel falls off just as the priest is walking by.
"Shit!" says Ernie.
"What did I tell you?" shouts the priest.
"Okay, okay!" says Ernie.
Two days later, the remaining two wheels fall
off. The priest happens to be in the bushes, listening carefully.
"Help me, Lord," says Ernie. And immediately
all four wheels jump back on the cart.
The priest leaps out of the bushes in
amazement, and cries,
"Shit!"
-
Granma Murphy is eighty-five years old. She
tires easily, has little appetite and is sometimes confused
mentally. So her son, Paddy, calls for the doctor. He arrives
shortly and goes up to granma's room where he undresses her, lies
her down on the bed and gives her a complete physical examination.
Half an hour later, the doctor comes downstairs.
"There is no need to worry," he explains,
"there is nothing really wrong with her except her age. She will be
all right."
Paddy is very relieved and goes upstairs to see
her.
"Well, mother," he asks, "how did you like the
doctor?"
"So, he was the doctor, was he?" says granma
with a smile. "I thought he was a bit naughty for the priest."
-
Father Fungus has accumulated a huge gambling
debt and needs some money fast. He has a bright idea for solving his
problem. He wires up all the church seats with electricity.
The next Sunday, Father Fungus is blasting out
his sermon when he stops and shouts, "All those who will give one
hundred dollars towards the church charity fund, stand up!"
Fungus touches a button and twenty people
spring to their feet.
"Good!" says Father Fungus. "Now, all those who
want to give five hundred dollars, stand up!"
He touches another button and twenty more jump
to their feet.
"Excellent!" says Fungus. "Now, all those who
will give a thousand dollars, stand up!"
He throws the master switch, and fifteen
visiting Scotsmen are electrocuted to death!
-
An Indian guru ran into a buxom blonde he had
met casually at a bar a few nights before.
"Great seeing you again," he said, "It just
happens there is a groovy party happening tonight and I would like
you to come. I won't take no for an answer.
"Where is it at?" asked the pretty doll.
"At my ashram, baby, and it is gonna be a gas.
Lots of music, dancing and love. And it could last all weekend."
"Sounds good," said the girl eagerly. "Who is
gonna be there?"
"Ah," said the guru, "just you and me!"
-
Pope the Polack is talking with a distressed
young priest, Father Finger.
"Oh, beloved Polack," says Father Finger, "the
more I listen to the confessions of all these good Catholic
Christians, the more tragedy I see. And this tragedy has even
infected those of us within the church."
"Really?" says the Pope. "Like what, my son?"
"Oh, Your Holiness," cries Father Finger, "I
fear that even good Christians are gamblers, drunkards, sex maniacs
and homosexuals. And not only that," continues the priest, "but it
is happening even within the very Church itself."
"Just rubbish," exclaims Pope the Polack, "most
good Christians that I know never swear, gamble, drink or rape
inside the church."
-
"I locked my husband out of the house last week
for playing around with other women," sobs young Mrs. Bedspring in
the confession box. "And now he wants me to take him back. What
should I do, Father?"
"You must take him back," replies Father
Fungus, patting her hand through the curtain. "It is your Christian
duty. But first," Fungus continues, tightening his grip, "how would
you like to get even with the bastard!"
