Osho Jokes on Drunkard

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Osho Jokes on Drunkard

"You are drunk!" shouts the barman of the Groggy Doggie Pub, at Paddy, who just has slipped slowly onto the floor again.

"I'm not drunk at all!" insists Paddy, picking himself up. "In fact, I'm not even drunk a little bit, and I'll prove it to you. Now, you see that cat just coming in the door? Well, it has only got one eye."

"You're drunker than I thought," says the barman. "That cat is going out!"
Hamish MacTavish is careering down the road in his old Ford car when a policeman pulls him over.

"Excuse me, sir," says the cop. "Would you mind blowing into this bag?"
"By all means," says Hamish. "Would you like me to play a jig or a reel?"

"No, no," says the cop. "This bag tells you how much you have been drinking."
"Oh, there is no need for that," says Hamish. "I have got one of my own at home... I married her!"
Paddy lurches out of the pub and bumps straight into Father Murphy, the village priest.

"Patrick," says the priest, "I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!"
"Well, then," says Paddy, turning around, "I will go right back."
Paddy goes to the horse races in Dublin. In the evening, he walks into a pub and orders a large brandy for himself and drinks for everyone in the bar.

"And have one yourself," he tells the bartender, generously.
Half an hour later, the order is repeated, and this goes on all evening until at closing time, the bartender taps Paddy on the shoulder.

"I hope you don't mind my mentioning it," he says, "but your bill comes to two hundred pounds."
"Does it?" asks Paddy. "Well I am sorry to hear that, because I've not got a penny."

The bartender leaps over the bar and starts to beat Paddy and eventually kicks him out of the door, into the street. The next evening, the pub is just opening when Paddy walks in.

"A large brandy for me," he announces, "and drinks for everyone in the bar. But I am not giving you one," he says to the barman. "After a couple of drinks, you get very nasty!"
Paddy is a drunkard and yet Maureen has never tasted alcohol in her whole life.
"Hey, you drunk," she says one day, "give me that bottle. I want to taste whatever it is that has made you the bum you are."

Taking the bottle of cheap whiskey, she takes a good gulp from it. "Yuk," she gasps, "that's the most vile-tasting liquid that has ever passed my lips. It tastes terrible."
"You see," says Paddy, "and all these years you thought I was having a good time."
Paddy was feeling under the weather, so he went to see his doctor. "I just can't find any cause for your illness," said the physician. "Frankly, I think it is due to drinking."

"In that case," replied Paddy, getting up to leave, "I will come back when you are sober!"
"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant, "it is alcohol, and alcohol alone, that is responsible for your present sorry state."

"I am glad to hear you say that," replied Paddy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it is all my fault!"
Paddy is feeling sad as he orders his tenth beer at the Loony Licker Pub.

"What's wrong, Paddy?" asks Igor, the bartender.
"I lost my dog," sobs Paddy.

"Why don't you put an advertisement in the newspaper?" suggests Igor.
"It is no good," moans Paddy. "My dog can't read."
An unshaven, dirty, bedraggled panhandler, with bloodshot eyes and teeth half gone, asks Paddy for a dime.

"Do you drink, smoke, or gamble?" asks Paddy.
"Mister," says the bum, "I don't touch a drop, or smoke the filthy weed, or bother with evil gambling."

"Okay," says Paddy, "if you will come home with me I will give you a dollar."
As they enter the house, Maureen takes Paddy aside and hisses, "How dare you bring that terrible looking specimen into our home!?"

"Darling," says Paddy, "I just wanted you to see what a man looks like who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, and doesn't gamble."