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Osho Little Ernie Jokes

Little Ernie comes back from the movies.
"What did you see?" asks his mom.
"Linda Lovelace's `Deep Throat,'" replies Ernie casually. "It was quite good."
"My God!" cries Ernie's mother. "You saw `Deep Throat'? But that is an X-rated movie!"
"Well, so what?" says Ernie. "They are all the same. In the G-rated movie, the good guy gets the girl; in the R-rated movie, the bad guy gets the girl; and in the X-rated movie, everybody gets the girl!"
Miss Goodbody, the teacher, is too shy to conduct the sex education class in school, so she asks her class to make this a homework project.

Little Ernie asks his father, who tells him some story about a stork. Grandma says that she was found under a gooseberry bush. Great-grandma blushes deep red and whispers that children come from God. The next day, little Ernie gets called to report on his homework.

"Well," says Ernie, "I am afraid my family has been a little abnormal. Apparently there has been no sex at all for three generations."
Little Ernie is sitting at the back of the class, a can of beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other when Miss Goodbody says, "Okay children, today we are going to play a game. I'm going to say a few words about something, and you try to tell me what I'm thinking about. Okay, here we go! The first thing is a fruit. It's round and it's red."

Little Billy raises his hand and says, "An apple."
Miss Goodbody says, "No, it's a tomato, but I'm glad to see you're thinking. The next one is round and it's a green vegetable."

Little Mary says, "It's a lettuce."
"No," says Miss Goodbody, "it's a pea. But I'm glad to see you're thinking."

Just then Ernie raises his hand and says, "Hey, teach! Mind if I ask you one?" "Go right ahead," says Miss Goodbody.

"Okay," says Ernie, "I've got something in my pocket, and it's long and it's hard and it's got a pink tip."

"Ernie!" shouts Miss Goodbody, "that's disgusting."
"It's a pencil," says Ernie, "but I'm glad to see you're thinking."
Outside the classroom it is snowing hard. "Boys and girls," says Mrs. Goodbody, "you must be very careful not to catch colds in this weather. I had a dear little brother, only seven years old. One day, he went out in the snow with his new skis. He caught a cold, pneumonia set in, and three days later he was dead."
A hush falls over the classroom and then little Ernie jumps up to his feet and asks, "Can I have his skis?"
Little Ernie is at the zoo with his teacher, Miss Goodbody, and the entire class. They are touring around when Ernie sees a deer peacefully grazing on some grass.
"Ernie, can you tell us the name of that animal?" asks Miss Goodbody, pointing to the deer.

"Well," says Ernie, "I think it is a... I guess it is a..."
"Let me give you a hint," interrupts Miss Goodbody. "What does your mother call your father every morning?"
"Oh, right!" shouts Ernie. "It is an asshole!"
Little Ernie is taken to the dentist's office for a checkup.
"It is okay, Doc," says Ernie. "You can take off the mask, I have already recognized you."
Little Ernie and Little Sally are discussing what big boys and girls do together when they are alone at night.
"What do you think they do?" asks Sally.

"I'm not sure," replies Ernie. "But I know a way of finding out. Tonight, when my sister Suzy takes her boyfriend Herbert into the sitting room, I will hide behind the curtains and watch them."
"Great idea!" says Little Sally. "Then you can tell me all about it tomorrow."

The next morning, the two little kids meet.
"Sally!" cries Little Ernie, excitedly. "You won't believe what happened last night. I was playing behind the sofa, when my sister, Suzy, and her boyfriend, Herbert, came home. They sat on the sofa and did not know I was there.

"They talked for a while, then Herbert turned off most of the lights. Suzy must have been cold, because he put his arms around her back and blew hot breath on her neck.

"I guessed she must have been feeling sick, because her face looked funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart -- just like the doctor. Except he is not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding it!

"I guess he was feeling sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been pretty cold because he put it under her skirt.

"About this time, Suzy got worse and began to moan and groan and started squirming around and slid down to the end of the sofa.

"This is when the fever started! I know it was a fever because Suzy told Herbert she was getting really hot.

"Finally, I found out what was making them sick. A big snake jumped out of Herbert's pants, and stood there -- it was about ten inches long! It was incredible! Suzy got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started saying, `MY GOD!' and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she had ever seen!

"Anyway, Suzy got braver and tried to kill it by biting its head off! I guess it bit her back, because suddenly she made a noise and let go. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while Herbert took a plastic muzzle from his pocket and put it over the snake's head to keep it from biting again.

"Then Suzy and Herbert lay back on the sofa and tried to squash the snake between them. But the snake put up a hell of a fight. They both started groaning and squealing and almost turned over the sofa! And after a long struggle they finally stopped and gave a big sigh.

"When Herbert got up, I could tell that the snake was dead. It was all limp and just hanging there.

"You know, Sally, I think they are the bravest people I know."
"Why is that?" asks Sally.

"Because," replies Ernie, "as Herbert was leaving, he and Sally decided to do the same thing again next week!"

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