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When Little Ernie gets into mischief, his
mother tries to discipline him by saying, "God would not like that!"
And when Ernie gets really out of hand, his mother says, "God will
be angry!"
But one evening at the dinner table, Ernie takes one look at the
plate of prunes put in front of him and says, "YUCK! I'm not going
to eat these wrinkled old black things!"
"Ernie!" says his mother. "God would not like
that!"
"I don't care," snaps Ernie. "I am not going to eat them!"
"ERNEST!" threatens his mother, "God will be
angry."
"AH!" shouts Ernie. "FUCK God!"
At this, his mother sends him up to his
bedroom. A few minutes later, a violent thunderstorm blows up and
shakes the roof and rattles the walls. Ernie's mother goes upstairs
to remind him about God's anger. But to her surprise, she finds
Ernie looking out of the window at the terrible storm.
"You see, Ernie," exclaims his mother. "This is
what happens when you make God angry!"
"Well," replies Ernie, "if you ask me, it is a lot of fuss to make
over a plate of prunes!"
-
Little Ernie accompanies his parents to a
nudist beach for the first time. After looking around for a few
minutes, Ernie asks his father why some men have big ones and some
men have small ones. Rather than go into a long explanation, his
father replies, "The men that have big ones are smart and the men
that have small ones are stupid."
Accepting this explanation, Ernie goes off to
explore the beach. Time passes and he finally comes across his
father again, "Have you seen your mother, son?" asks his dad.
"Yes," says Ernie, "she is behind the bushes
talking to some stupid guy who is getting smarter by the minute."
-
Little Ernie comes home early from school.
"What are you doing home?" asks his mother.
"I put a stick of dynamite under the teacher's
desk," replies little Ernie.
"You march right back to school" says his mother, "and apologize!"
"Mom," says Ernie, "What school?"
-
Little Ernie is playing with his train set in
the living room, while his mother is cooking dinner. He lets the
train go around the track ten times, then stops it and says, "All
you fuckers who wanna get in, get in. All you fuckers who wanna get
out, get out!"
He lets the train go around ten more times and
then stops it and says the same thing. At this, his mother comes
storming into the living room and tells Ernie to go and stand in the
corner for using such filthy language.
Half an hour later, his mother tells him he can
go and play with his train again. Little Ernie sends the train
around the track ten times, stops it and says, "All you fuckers that
wanna get in, get in! All you fuckers who wanna get out, get out!
Anybody got a complaint about the delay, go and see the bitch in the
kitchen!"
-
Little Ernie the cabin boy asks Long John
Silver the pirate how he got his wooden leg. "Ah, it was a cannon
ball, Ernie, my lad," says Silver. "Took my leg clean off at the
knee."
"And why have you got a hook instead of a
hand?" asks Ernie.
"Ah, a cutlass," replies Long John, "took my hand clean off."
"How did you lose your eye?" asked Ernie.
"Ah, I got seagull shit in it," says the pirate.
"But a seagull doing that can't take your eye
out!" exclaims Ernie.
"It can," replies Long John, "when you forget you have got a hook
for a hand!"
-
No one can persuade little Ernie's great-aunt
Esmeralda that she does not possess extraordinary, supernatural
powers. Little Ernie believes her when she tells him about one of
her visions: "Keep a close eye on your father tomorrow," she says.
"I feel it in my bones that he is going to pop off before
nightfall."
Little Ernie never lets his dad out of his
sight the next day. They go to the office together in the morning
and then to the park in the afternoon. Nothing unusual happens all
day, but when they get home in the evening little Ernie's mother
greets them at the front door.
"A terrible thing happened here this morning,"
she sobs, "the milkman dropped dead on the kitchen floor!"
-
Little Ernie asks his dad, "Dad, is it true
that God exists everywhere?"
"That's right, son," replies his father, still reading his
newspaper.
"Is he in the garage?" asks Ernie.
"Yes, son," replies his father, "he is in the garage."
"Is he out in the garden?" asks Ernie.
"Yes, he is, son," replies his father.
"Is he under mummy's dress?" asks Ernie.
"Yes, he is everywhere," snaps his father getting a little
irritated.
So little Ernie looks in the garage but he
can't find God. He looks out in the garden but he can't find God
there either. So he goes into the kitchen and crawls under his
mother's dress.
"Ernie," she cries, "what are you doing?"
"Quiet, mum," says Ernie triumphantly, "I have just caught God by
his beard."
-
Miss Goodbody has been teaching for twenty
years, so all the kids bring her presents. They line up in front of
her holding the gifts and she tries to guess what they are. Little
Ernie's father has a liquor store and she notices that little
Ernie's package is leaking, so she tastes it.
"Did you bring me Scotch whiskey?" she asks.
"No," replies little Ernie.
So Miss Goodbody turns to little Ronnie. Little
Ronnie's father is a florist.
"Did you bring me some love roses?" asks Miss Goodbody.
"Yes, teacher," replies Ronny, passing her the flowers.
Then Miss Goodbody goes back to Ernie's leaking
package and tastes it again.
"Did you bring me gin?" she says.
"No," replies little Ernie.
Little Ruthy's father has a candy store.
"Have you brought me candy?" asks Miss
Goodbody.
"Yes, teacher," replies Ruthy and gives her the package.
Then Miss Goodbody goes back to Ernie and
tastes the leaking packet again.
"Did you bring me rum?" she asks.
"No," replies little Ernie, "I brought you a puppy."
